Talking about consent
Starting the conversation
It's best to be direct and clear when asking for consent. Asking someone back to your house is not asking for consent to sex.
Keep the conversation open. People have different boundaries and likes and dislikes when it comes to sex. What people are comfortable with and what they enjoy can change over time. It's important you keep talking and checking in with your partner/s. If someone withdraws their consent, stop and respect their choice.
Asking for consent can feel daunting, but it doesn’t have to be – there are lots of ways to do it.
Here are some examples of positive ways to ask for consent, and what pressure looks like.
| Positive | Pressure |
|---|---|
| Feel like…? | Just relax. Everyone is doing it |
| Do you want to try…? | I want to do this |
| How does this feel for you? | Come on, let’s…. |
| Can I kiss you? | We should… |
| How do you feel about…? | We have to… |
| Do you want to? | I don’t care what you want |
Communicating consent
Positive and healthy sexual experiences happen when everyone wants to be there. Consent can be communicated through words or clear body language, and everyone can change their mind and withdraw consent at any time.
That means everyone must say or do something to check for and communicate consent. When someone is not consenting, it can be a verbal ‘no’, but could also look like they’re freezing, turning away from you , disengaging or not responding.
Here are some ways withdrawing or not giving consent can look like:
- "No"
- "I'm not into this/that"
- "I don't want to do this right now"
- "Not now"
- "I kind of want to stop"
- "Can we take a break?"
- "Can we take this slower?"
- They are frozen or rigid/ not responding or replying
- Turning, moving away, or pushing away
What if someone says no
It’s important everyone feels safe to say no.
People can be scared or hesitant to say no or to say they’ve changed their mind, because they don’t know how the other person will react. They may not want to make them angry or upset, or they might not know how they’re feeling or how to talk about it.
You can create a space where your partner/s feel safe to tell you "no" by being respectful and supportive.
Here are some positive ways to respond when someone withdraws their consent, and examples of what pressure looks like.
| Positive | Pressure |
|---|---|
| No worries! | You would if you loved me |
| Of course | Don’t you find me attractive? |
| That’s ok | But I really want / need to |
| That’s cool | You sent me that pic / message |
| I want you to feel comfortable | I know you want to / You know you want it |
| Are you ok? | But it's been so long |
| Let me know what’s good for you | You tease / frigid / vanilla / boring / prude |
| Let's stop | You liked it when I did X, you must like Y |
| No worries let’s do something else. | Just relax |
| Would you like to do something else? | But you said you would earlier! |
Putting it all together
Consent is grounded in respect and open communication. It’s one of the key things that makes you a good sexual partner by helping you learn what you and your partner like or dislike together.
A conversation about consent could look like…
Person 1: “Do you want to try ____?’
Person 2: “Actually, I’m not into that”
Person 1: “No problem, do you want to take a break?”
Person 2: “Yeah”
Person 1: “How does this feel to you?”
Person 2: They don’t reply or turn away from you
Person 1: “Are you ok? Do you want to stop?”
Person 2: “Yeah, can we stop”
Person 1: “Of course”
Person 1: “Do you want to ___?”
Person 2: “Mmm I’m not sure. Could we try ____ instead?”
Person 1: “Yeah, of course”
Person 1: “Can I touch you there?”
Person 2: “Yeah!”
Person 1: “How do you feel about ___?”
Person 2: “Yeah, I love that”